BY JORDAN WALSH
It’s Saturday evening and finally time to settle in for a wonderful night with your computer. Yeah, sure, your friends are out there in the world doing something or other with whatstheirname blah blah blah, you don’t care. Tonight is about a very special kind of friend. Tonight’s about Phoebe and Chandler; it’s about Joey, Rachel, Monica and the whole gang. It’s even about Ross (I guess).
Okay, maybe Friends isn’t your primary Netflix pick, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you’re gonna be needing some five-star snacks to accompany your latest TV-on-the-web binge. Too many hours have been wasted just flicking through the options, looking for the perfect show to go with your food of choice and vice versa.
This special edition of Netflix Guru is here to help you get the most out of your evening, pairing food and show together in the perfect combination so you don’t waste a minute of stream time.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
A BIG BAG OF SOUR PATCH KIDS
To truly fall in love with Kimmy Schmidt’s strange, hilarious and wacky little world, viewers first have to brave a little bit of tragedy. Kimmy Schmidt (Ellie Kemper) spent 15 years in a bunker with three other women, having been kidnapped by the reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne and forced into believing that the apocalypse has wiped out the world above. This terrifying beginning gives way to a hopeful and constantly funny tale of Kimmy finding her way in New York City after 15 years of seclusion– the sour giving way to sweetness. Just like Kimmy Schmidt’s candy counterpart.
Orange Is The New Black
A CHEAP GLASS OF WINE (for those over 21) AND A LARGE PIZZA
Orange Is The New Black tells the harrowing tale of Piper Chapman’s (Taylor Schilling) time spent in a women’s correctional facility. The show switches between comedy and drama at the drop of a hat, and damn is it frustrating. OITNB is a wholly engaging and enjoyable show– boasting an incredible ensemble cast and tackling a myriad of political and social issues. The rapid switching between tragedy and comedy makes it necessary for viewers to be ready for anything, food-wise. Pizza is that versatile food, comforting in the sad and frustrating moments, lighthearted in the humorous ones. The cheap glass of wine is specifically for the appearances of Larry Bloom (Jason Biggs), Chapman’s out-of-prison love interest. Put bluntly, Larry is annoying and viewers of drinking age will appreciate the cheap intoxication when he is around.
A (damn good) CUP OF COFFEE AND A LOT OF DONUTS
Solving the mystery of the murder of Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) is going to take a keen and attentive eye. Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) fuels his somewhat unconventional detective skills with a whole table full of donut options and a black-as-night cup of Twin Peak’s finest coffee. With Twin Peaks Mark Frost and David Lynch crafted a story so strange and engaging, dense and impenetrable that it went on to shape the course of prime time drama in the ‘90s, leaving a whole slew of questions unanswered by the end of its 30-episode run. New viewers will have to watch dozens of times to be satisfied, so they better get caffeinated and start sleuthing to get ready for the show’s 2017 reboot.
House of Cards
A NICE GLASS OF WINE (for those over 21) AND A FANCY FISH DINNER
House of Cards is not exactly leisurely watching. This political drama is complex and dark, with Kevin Spacey taking on the role of the controversial Frank Underwood. When settling in to watch House of Cards, it’s best to match the tone with some serious food and drink. Better yet, just take your computer to a local high-class eatery and say you’re getting ready to watch some serious television. They’ll know what to do.
Parks and Recreation
Option One: A VERY LARGE WAFFLE WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM
Option Two: A HAND-CRAFTED, LOW-CAL CALZONE
Option Three: ALL THE BACON AND EGGS YOU HAVE
Choose your own adventure! Do you want to be the powerful, confident, thoughtful and sweet Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler)? Get out that waffle maker and get ready to take on the weight of Pawnee, Indiana’s demanding and ridiculous political system, taking the ludicrous insults and requests of Pawnee’s citizens with stride. Of course, there’s always the option to revel in the charmingly nerdy Ben Wyatt’s (Adam Scott) curious affinity for the calzone, or the grumpy Ron Swanson’s (Nick Offerman) insatiable hunger for breakfast meats.
Jordan Walsh can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org