BY GRIFFIN GUINTA
As you stroll through Vaughn courtyard, you’ll likely notice the myriad of palm trees that line the sprawling courtyard between Austin and Brevard. Such aesthetics make you feel like you’re in a tropical oasis in the middle of the Caribbean, free from life’s problems and enriched with a care-free spirit. But have you ever thought to yourself: I need more.
I certainly have. Nearly every day I walk outside enraged at the inadequate number of palm trees. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot–but why not keep going? For instance, I live in Palm Apartments, and yet nothing about the inside of them is remotely palm themed. First off, I propose tiny palm trees be placed in every elevator lobby to remind sleepy students on their way to class that life does not have to be a bummer when you’re in Tampa, Florida. Second, I’d require every dorm to be fitted with furniture only made from palm trees. If we’re going to boost our tree inventory, we need to use it wisely and effectively. Imagine sleeping on a hammock made out of palm fronds. Bye bye, insomnia.
But let’s take it a step further. I mean, this strategy can be applied to any aspect of campus life. Why build a new fitness center when you can just plant rows and rows of palm trees to climb? Nothing will get you more fit and increase your dexterity than trying to navigate your way up a prickly branch to retrieve a coconut. The same can be said for any future building on campus. When you really break it down, putting a palm tree instead of a new academic building, dorm, or office, will greatly benefit students of the future. But don’t just take my word for it. This is rooted in history.
Do you think the most iconic building on our campus is called “Plant Hall” by accident? Of course not. The founders left us with a clue. We partially picked up on that clue by spending thousands of dollars per tree, but we still haven’t fulfilled their mission. The palm trees were not meant to be a side-show addition of the school, they were meant to be the school. Forget entrepreneurship, forget business. The real money lies in Palm Tree harvesting. I say that we funnel all academic money for next year into a new agricultural program dedicated to cultivating the future palm growers of America. And why stop there? We may as well change our school’s name and mascot to the Palm University Palms.
Can you imagine the joy our sports teams will feel as they trot onto the field in their lime-green uniforms and hear fans chanting “PUT ‘EM IN THE SHADE, PALM TREES!” I can see the lone tear on Coach Joe Urso’s face already.
So don’t delay–join the movement to make the University of Tampa 100% palm. Someday, we’ll be reminiscing about our time at PU.