By REBECCA TURNER
No doubt about it—the wall that Donald Trump proposes to build along the U.S. border with Mexico will be the ultimate solution to all of our nation’s problems regarding immigration and Mexican drug cartels.
This wall that Trump proposes will be anywhere from 30 to 65 feet tall, possibly higher, depending upon which of his many declamations on the subject you give credence to. That’s way taller than your average Mexican (men average just below 5’ 6” according to LiveStrong). So, that will definitely stop people from crossing the border illegally. Afterall, it was just a fluke thing that in 2015 CNN reported on a system of underground drug cartel tunnels beneath the border. There’s no way people will just dig tunnels elsewhere along the border, right?
If the Trump presidency becomes a reality, the wall’s massive height will probably, most-likely, interfere with the drug catapults that NBC reported that the Mexican drug cartel was using back in 2011 to heave drugs over the border. But, hey, here’s hoping that the over $100 billion Americans spent on illegal drugs (in 2010) according to Business Insider, are simply dissuaded by the wall and the inevitable illegal drug price increases it causes.
The wall would probably be kind of expensive. Trump has suggested in interviews that we could probably swing it as low as $10-12 billion for the just under 2,000 mile border. No matter that a lot of that area is private property and would need to be seized under eminent domain in order to make space to put the wall up in the first place. Trump will just get his lawyers involved like always and take care of them. And the cost? Even if it does get up to about $16 million per mile, like Politico suggests, it’s okay. We’re just going to force Mexico to pay for it anyway, even though their government officials have already essentially declared that pigs would fly before they paid for a border wall.
If HGTV shows have taught me anything, it’s that budgets when building things tend only to increase as problems arise. The rough terrain and occasional body of water (the Colorado River, the Rio Grande) definitely won’t make the wall more challenging. If Politico’s numbers are correct (and they’re using fences as a jumping off point, not a solid concrete wall), then we’re talking a base number of $31.264 billion, just a little higher than Trump’s estimate. Yearly maintenance on the wall is estimated at an additional $750 million, as reported by Politico. Mexico’s going to pay for it somehow, though, so it’s totally okay.
Don’t fret about legal immigration being more challenging: Trump plans to put in a big, beautiful door,” for the “good ones” according to statements he made during the Oct. 2015 Republican debate. It’s not like walls have dissuaded people from immigrating/emigrating in the past – definitely not in 1960s Berlin – right? Trump compares his dream wall to the 13, 171 mile Great Wall of China, saying that his will be much easier to build since the U.S. border is less than one-sixth the size. If it took one-sixth the time it’d probably be done around 2199, but that’s without considering technology and construction upgrades since the sixteenth century. Realistically, even by modern standards, Trump would probably need to at least win the presidency a second time to see his wall completed.
Some residents along the U.S. border with Mexico have suggested that an increased Border Patrol presence should supercede Trump’s wall idea, but that’s silly since Trump wants to triple Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers in his immigration plan, anyway, according to his website. Since we’re making Mexico pay for the wall, we can find the money for this too. No big deal. It’s not like we have a $365.7 billion trade deficit with China; we have unlimited funding for Trump’s project.
It will all be worth it, because “a nation without borders is not a nation,” according to Trump’s website. Apparently a wall is required to have a border, so we might want to share that information with basically every other country in the world.
**This is an April Fool’s satirical piece and is not meant to be taken too seriously.