BY KATHERINE LAVACCA
With the new housing policy going into effect many upper level students are being housed in the Barrymore, or forced to find off-campus housing. While this may be a stressful situation for the living, the paranormal are losing their heads (again). The man in the brown suit, who haunts Plant Hall, and Bessie, the Falk Theatre ghost, knocked on The Minaret’s door to offer up their side of the story. Since their deaths, the ghosts have taken great pride in haunting their forever homes, spooking brown-nosing students and late-working professors. While students may have to figure out the logistics of navigating to campus without cars, the ghosts will have their whole afterlives altered.
“I can’t haunt the Barrymore. It’s just not my style,” the Brown man wailed. “I already have a pattern of walking the halls, I spend a lot of time perusing the books professors keep. The fella in 239 has some interesting stuff about China.”
The brown man, who refused to offer a name, feels the move could be tied to a drop in horror seeking tourists, which means less money in the vault under Fletcher Lounge. The administration has never approached him about revamping his methods.
“If they’re trying to bring in some new ghosts to do my job, they’re going to open a portal they don’t want to get involved in,” he said hovering in his chair. “New ghosts just cause problems– they break things and chase people around– they haven’t learned the art of subtlety.”
It’s unclear how many semesters the brown man has been in plant hall, but it’s well over the number of semesters any upper class man could have. When asked about his opinion on how the policy affects the living he shrugged stating, “At least they can’t see all the ghosts crammed into those rooms. Its disgusting how hotels treat their ghosts. It doesn’t even matter if you died in the room! They’ll just put you where ever they can find a space. It’s a wonder your kind can even breath with all the spectral energy.”
Bessie, who is better known as The Lady in Red, drifted into through the wall as the brown man adjusted his tie. Rumors have it Bessie hung herself from the rafters in Falk theatre after learning her husband was having an affair with another actress. The brown man suggested not asking about the validity of the rumor. After adjusting her flowing red gown around her she began reciting a well rehearsed solique about her sudden move.
“I’d like the University’s administration to know they won’t be rid of me so easily. The theatre is my home, where I can be center stage every show. The fear I instill in these young women is what I live on– do you know how hard it is to keep them out of my signature red look? I may not be able to write Mr. Vaughn a letter but he’ll notice when all his red pens are missing,” Bessie said as her face began to change. “The theatre is MINE. They will not replace me, I AM the star of Falk theatre.”
The brown man apologized and escorted Bessie out as she started to manifest multiple heads. The policy is clearly a problem for over crowded living spaces, but till now no one has thought of the effect it has on the numerous specters living here.
If other ghosts would like to come forward they may contact our new paranormal writer, who also happens to be the gambling ghost that haunts Vaughn’s Casino nights. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org