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Satire: Jameis Winston Enrolls at UT


SPOTTED: Jameis Winston in the flesh, walking out of the Bailey Art Studio at UT. Khakis on, button down Ralph Lauren shirt freshly ironed. With his rolex gleaming in the sun and his Ferragamo shoes clicking along the sidewalk, he is looking quite shnazzy. The only accessory students are confused to see Winston sporting is a backpack and a notebook in his hand. What is he doing here? Is he a guest speaker for a class?

With the Bucs out of season right now, some are wondering if he is enrolled in classes here.

The two Minaret sports editors, Tess Sheets and Regina Gonzalez, followed him after class and got the scoop.

Minaret: Jameis, what are you doing here at UT?

Jameis: You know, this last season with the Bucs really taught me a lot in that I realize as rookie I just need to be constantly learning. My coach told me I should spend this offseason going back to school.

M: But don’t you have some training to do?

J: Hell no! I’m in top shape form! Have you seen these guns?

M: What are you studying?

J: I’m studying Art Therapy. The past few years have been kind of a whirlwind and when I’m stroking the canvas, I just feel like I’m at peace with myself. It’s liberating.

M: What do you have to come to peace with?

J: Look, it’s no secret I’ve been a figure of a lot of controversy. But, I’ve changed. When you’re in the NFL, jumping on top of a table yelling profanities just doesn’t cut it anymore. You know, in the locker room, all the guys call me Mr. Gentleman because I’m so damn polite.

M: What clubs have you joined on campus?

J: I decided to join Roots n’ Shoots. I’m real big on the environment. Like it really bothers me how guys in the locker room overuse toilet paper. I get that it’s one ply, but you don’t need to be excessive–DOUG!

M: How’s the workload? Are you having trouble in any classes?

J: Here’s the crazy thing, man. I can memorize a playbook like nobody’s business, but when it comes to that whole thing where you have to draw it in 3-D perspective, that just blows my mind. Also, I hate trying to remember all these artist names.

M: How do you stay active outside of class?

J: First things first: I wake up with a skinny vanilla frappucino from Starbucks. Once I’m feelin’ the pump, I zip on over to that huge gym you guys have here on campus to make 10:00 a.m. yoga, and then I follow with a quick spinning class with my favorite instructor, Stephanie. Man, that hurts worse than when I was sacked by Clay Matthews. 

M: Will taking classes interfere with season play once August comes around?

J: To be honest, and I haven’t even told the Bucs this yet, but I’m done with football. Being here has made me realize that I need to use my head, not hit my head. If you know what I mean. Yeah, being on Sports Center is nice, but I think of a greater feeling: seeing my name up in lights at the Louvre in Paris. Bravo, Jameis! Bravo!

M: Last question, now that you’re here for the long haul, are you planning on joining greek life?

J: Uhm, I don’t know. I’ve thought about it, but drinking and partying isn’t really my scene.

M: Thanks for your time, Jameis. We hope you have a great semester, but don’t be afraid to have a little fun while you’re here. It’s college, ya know?

J: I’ll try guys. Hey, come check out my exhibit next week in the studio. It’s a series of self-portraits I painted after every spinning class for two months.

2 Comments on Satire: Jameis Winston Enrolls at UT

  1. Tbaybuc // April 9, 2016 at 3:59 am //

    Go Jameis! haters gonna hate!!


  2. So proud of a rapist.


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