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No More Showers: Taking Environmentalism to Extremes

Many people have misconceptions about “going green.” They think it’s possible to help the environment through small changes like driving a hybrid Escalade, wearing a Celtics jersey and only taking three baths a day.

Refraining from general hygiene may seem like a great way to save the environment, however more practical methods, like taking shorter showers, are much more effective.  | kittygirl07/

Refraining from general hygiene may seem like a great way to save the environment, however more practical methods, like taking shorter showers, are much more effective. | kittygirl07/

In reality, it takes dedication to creating a better world and the willingness to make tough sacrifices to truly help our environment.

When it comes to “going green,” one of the main issues is water conservation. Sure, we’ve been told that, if you drink tap water, you shouldn’t leave the sink running, and that you should take shorter showers, that you can help make a difference.

But none of those things really count as making a big sacrifice to truly help our great planet.
That’s why I’ve chosen to stop showering all together.

Sure, you’ll smell like a walking dumpster, but eventually your body odor will become so strong that even the flies around you will begin dying, and people will know when you’ve been in a room hours after you’ve left, (kind of like you’re marking your territory).
Also, dogs will really love hanging out with you; it’s kind of worth the trade-off.

And, while cutting showers out of your life may leave you asking, “How will I ever get clean?”
Well, that’s exactly what rain is for. Anytime there’s a storm, just stand outside naked for a while, and you’ll be good as new.

If anybody looks at you funny, just let them know you’re doing it to “go green.”
They’ll probably just smile or give you a high-five — or call the police.

Along with water conservation, another big aspect of “going green” is energy conservation. By not using a washing machine, you’re saving energy and water at the same time. It doesn’t get any greener than that.
That’s why I wash all my clothes in the Hillsborough River.

While washing your clothes in the river may, at times, leave your clothes dirtier than they originally were, you’ll find lots of treasures, like old bike chains and rusty screwdrivers.

Which brings me to the next aspect of going green: recycling.
By recycling, we’re reusing things we already have, instead of using up more of Mother Earth’s precious resources.

That’s why I tend to reuse things like dishes, silverware, plastic bags, water bottles and condoms.
I’m just kidding, of course. I would never reuse a water bottle.

If you really need something new, don’t go to a store to buy something; buy something recycled locally off Craigslist!
That website really has anything you could possibly ever need! You could get an old pair of rims, a used iPod, a Gucci purse and a blow-job, all from the same guy!

Maybe the most important aspect of going green has to do with our food. I’m not talking about eating organically-grown vegetables or soy-based foods. No, that would be disgusting. I’m talking about eating from the trash.
Not only is it completely free, but it provides you with surprising variety every day.

Eating shouldn’t be some boring task you do at “tables” with your “family.” It should be an adventure you share with other true patrons of the earth (and many cats).

Overall, the main way we can all try to go green is by conserving what we have and not using more than we need. We need to cut corners in every aspect of our lives.
Even newspapers have started doing it to conserve paper.

Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn’t even have a newspaper. Think about how long stories run and how much worthless information is left in an average newspaper article.
Especially the last few paragraphs.

It seems like they just reiterate the main point of the article when, in reality, anybody who just read it should be able to pick up on the main points of something they just read.

It really makes me upset when articles do that, because it’s just wasting more precious paper. That’s definitely not “going green.” That’s not “going green” at all.

John Jacobs can be reached at

1 Comment on No More Showers: Taking Environmentalism to Extremes

  1. UT student // April 26, 2011 at 10:58 am //

    John, your articles kill me! Keep up the good writing!


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