For the Minaret’s Green Issue, I’m going to diverge from the trend a little bit. Not all of us out there have the ability to be eco-friendly all the time. If you’re anything like me, you don’t even care.
But maybe family, or friends or that bio teacher is hounding you to go green and do something big for Earth Day. If that’s the case, here’s a little guide I’ve put together for all the lazy jerks to use to give the appearance of being green.
Some of these things might just be terrible suggestions, but, let’s be honest, you couldn’t tell the difference anyway.
Use Electronics — One of the best ways to help save the earth without going out of your way is to be on the computer, always. You won’t have to write stuff down as much, so you won’t waste paper.
Since you’re using your appliances more, you’ll have to charge them a lot more, but that’s fine, since outlets are, like, everywhere. There are more outlets than trees.
Save Trees — This one will really please others and get them off your case. Simply make a tree. What I do is buy one of those little scented pine things that hang in cars. It looks like a tree, so I feel like I’ve accomplished something. It’s doubly useful, as it covers up the smell of all the pizza boxes that are molding in my trunk.
Drink Vitamin Water — My favorite of all of these. It’s a well-known fact (that I may be making up) that the world is running out of water. Vitamin water could solve this problem. It’s water with vitamins (you can tell because of the name). Some day our oceans will be XXX-Vitamin-Water-flavored.
Use More — A big problem is that people don’t recycle enough. My idea is — what if we began using more products and then recycled them? Then there would be more recycled things. It’s like an infinite cycle of use that can’t fail at all. In a way, we’d be making more. Or something, somehow. I don’t really know. But definitely use more.
Eat Fast Food — When we eat, we use too many ingredients. Imagine how many resources we’d save by using fewer things to make our meals.
This is science, people. The best way to use fewer ingredients is to eat simpler things, and you can’t get much simpler than fast food.
If every person were to eat McDonald’s regularly, it would save the world. But don’t take my word for it; you can check this anywhere that has information made up by me.
Participate in Outdoor Activities — I’m all for going out and making as much use of the planet’s resources while they still exist. It’s best to use as much as possible now, since things will probably start to vanish really soon.
Going to the beach, visiting parks and watching the sunset from a mosquito-infested location all count as outdoor activities.
Do all of these in one day. This may mean driving more, but using more gas is a small price to pay for seeing a gross beach in Clearwater.
Pamphlets — People will inevitably be handing out fliers about Earth Day. Definitely jump on the bandwagon and hand tons of these out too. It’s not at all ironic.
Wear Green — Wear a green shirt. People will assume you care.
Richard Solomon can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.