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Tricks and Treats: A Guide To Halloween Debauchery

An evening’s Halloween debauchery.                         Ivan Hernandez / Flickr

An evening’s Halloween debauchery. Ivan Hernandez / Flickr

Halloween is coming up next weekend, and if you’ve never experienced this holiday at UT, I feel the responsibility to inform you of what you’re most likely going to experience. This is by far the most fun holiday, and one of the most random nights you’ll experience in your college career.

Firstly, the biggest part of this holiday is picking out your costume. For the girls this means one thing: seeing how little they can wear and still get away with calling it a costume.

It seems like over the years girls have progressively worn less and less on Halloween (not that I’m complaining) and at this point figuring out what they are is becoming a challenge.

The base of all girls’ costumes has become their underwear, and then some accessory is supposed to hint at what they are. Bra, panties and a stethoscope, “I’m a doctor!”

Or just some sort of ears on their head and maybe some face paint if they really want to go “all out.”

And you better guess the animal right the first time or there goes your friendship.

“I like your costume, are you a dog?”

“No idiot, I’m a wolf! Can’t you tell by the ears?”

It’s really not fair to get mad at a guy for guessing a girl’s costume wrong. If a girl is just wearing lace stockings and heels, “Are you supposed to be a prostitute?”

“No pervert! I’m one of the girls from Moulin Rouge!” (Big difference.)

The best part is that girls try to out-do one another when it comes to wearing less and less, but they never approve of each other. If one girl is wearing less than the other she’s a “skank,” but if she’s more covered up than that girl she’s an “old lady.”

There’s really no balance. And if this pattern continues of girls wearing less and less (again, I’m not complaining) there’s going to be a point in time where someone’s at a Halloween party and says, “Is that girl in the corner completely naked?”

“Yeah she’s a mannequin this year.”

“Eww, what a slut. I call that costume for next year!”

“Too late, I already called it.”

Moving on to how the guys dress up for Halloween, and there’s always a few different approaches to this.

There’s always a group of guys who don’t realize it’s Halloween until the day before and have to throw something together the last second.

“So what’s the theme for the party tonight?”

“Halloween…”

“That’s going to be awesome! I can’t wait for the actual Halloween, how close are we to that?”

“It’s tonight.”

These are the kids who show up with just a white bed sheet with eye holes cut out. You can never go wrong with the classic ghost costume!

Then there’s the group of guys, which usually has the same idea as the girls. Wear as little clothing as possible. (Because you haven’t been in the gym 6 days a week to hide it right?)

It’s usually easier for guys to get away with this by dressing up as an iconic movie character with a few simple accessories.

Throw on a red headband and black wife beater, and you’re Rambo!

Wear shredded, purple shorts and paint your body green, and you’re the Hulk!

Or if you really want people who love (hate) you, just wear a Speedo, get a tan and be a bodybuilder!

Now the question of what exactly are you going to do Halloween night comes up. Most likely you will end up at a house part completely packed with everyone you’ve ever seen at UT all looking for a keg with any beer left.

You’ll get suspicious when you take a taxi from Vaughn, and the cab driver knows the address for the party before you tell him. It doesn’t matter how early you go and how exclusive you think this house party is, there won’t be any beer left.

So you’ll probably stay at the first party you go to for a half an hour or so, then hear about another one and decide to take a trip there.

When you get there it seems like everybody from the last house party already beat you there, and it’s even more crowded than the last one you were at.

No matter where you end up, you’ll always have great stories the next day about what you did the night before, with people you can’t recollect.

“Well after the first party, me, Superman, Steve Irwin, Optimus Prime and some girl who I think was a teacher, or maybe a nurse, or a cat, all ended up by the SunTrust building taking care of the Joker who just wouldn’t stop throwing up.”

And the most important thing to remember on Halloween is this: Do not drink anything from a cooler. As tempting as “free alcohol” is, I guarantee drinking from one of those giant coolers is not a good idea.

You really don’t know how many people have spiked it or added their special mix to it. Remember kids, you can’t taste Everclear!

I don’t mean to turn this into a PSA right now, but drinking from a cooler is the kind of thing that leads to people getting taken advantage of and not making the best decisions.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a girl who drinks from a cooler on Halloween wakes up the next day saying, “I think somebody took advantage of my last night. I really have no idea what happened.”

“Do you remember what he looked like?”

“I think it was the Devil.”

John Jacobs can be reached at jjacobs@ut.edu.

1 Comment on Tricks and Treats: A Guide To Halloween Debauchery

  1. I went as bubb rubb! WooWoo!

    Like

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