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Stick This Rock In Your Pipe And Smoke It: Plants Are People, Too

“Six million Jews died in concentration camps, but 6 billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughter houses.” -Ingrid Newkirk, President, PETA, The Washington Post, Nov 13, 1983.

If I may, I’d like to give my interpretation of this statement from the president of PETA in 1983.

What the president was trying to say was, yes, it was horrible that 6 million Jews died in the Holocaust, however, we have a greater issue on our hands: innocent chickens are being killed by the billions. This horrific, barbaric, inhumane act receives far less credit than is deserved, yet billions more lives are being lost constantly.

But, PETA, we have an even bigger issue to be concerned with. Billions, maybe trillions of harmless pieces of corn each year are eaten by omnivores, vegetarians, and vegans alike.
What right do we as humans have to take the life of a lesser life form?

Just because corn is a sessile organism (as are most plants for that matter) does that give us a right to kill them and consume them for sustenance? PETA, I say no!
I make this challenge to you, PETA, and to all the vegans out there: let’s stop this mindless killing and these barbaric acts of consuming other life forms for our own selfish nutrition.

Instead, I suggest we dig up rocks and suck on them for vitamins and minerals.

This way, we can save our distant stationary cousins–the plants–and live in harmony with all organisms.

For, just as it was an atrocious act that 6 million Jews were killed in the Holocaust, so is it that billions of chickens are being killed for the consumption of human beings, and so is it for the noble corn plant.

Let me go into a bit more depth about this new lifestyle, aptly named Stonetarianism.

The basis of the diet will be, as I mentioned before, rocks. But not just any rocks, mineral and vitamin rich rocks.
These rocks will be mined by laborers and then processed into easy-to-consume rock-bars (This new industry will also produce many jobs for our failing economy).

Now, of course, bacteria, our distant, distant cousins, could be living on these rocks. It would be unspeakable to kill any life form, so, before distributing these rocks, we must cleanse the part that will be consumed.

This process will be similar to what of the Ionic Breeze air cleaning system. The bacteria on the rock will be pulled out through electromagnetism.

This will in no way harm the bacteria, but simply suck them off of the rock unscathed where they can be later released back into the wild.

With the rock properly sanitized, it will then be broken up into smaller chunks so it can then be molded into a nutritious rock-bar that can be sent out to supermarkets all throughout the country.

With this method, I believe we can overcome the evils of consuming living organisms. Together, we can embrace the whole of life and at the same time give our bodies the nutrients they need.

Just think of it: you come home from a long day at work. You’re tired; cooking becomes a hassle.

But, with rock-bars, all you have to do is reach into your pantry and unwrap a bar. Just grab a glass of water and you have a nutritious, lifesaving meal. Not only will your body thank you, but nature will too.

I’m calling everyone out: carnivores, vegetarians, omnivores, and vegans. Let’s step up and save nature, not consume it. The planet needs us to protect it.

This is the final solution to becoming a better people and a better species. I’m calling on all of you to suck on rocks.
Suck on them hard, suck on them long.

Shannon Grippando can be reached at sgrippando@ut.edu.

1 Comment on Stick This Rock In Your Pipe And Smoke It: Plants Are People, Too

  1. Other than the fact that eating a vegetable or fruit generally does not mean killing the actual plant, I agree and think that the article is well done. PETA is more of a menace to society than a savior.

    Like

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