What Should Win: Dogmatic Grammy Picks from a Sour Individual

Asking me to make Grammy predictions is a lot like asking Ebenezer Scrooge to mix the holiday eggnog; who knows what kind of sabotage is being invited? And I’ll admit that, along with most major television events, I watch the Grammys with the smug hope that something might go terribly wrong: wardrobe malfunctions, stray f-bombs, Kanye West-style interruptions, anything. The awards themselves are secondary. Dear reader, your reviewer is a sour individual.

In any case, I will attempt to make sense of a generally schizophrenic year for music, a year that alternated between excitements and snoozefests, ie. Lady Gaga vs. Katy Perry or Adele vs. Rihanna. It won’t be easy, but here are my picks for five major categories:

“Rolling in the Deep” — Adele
“Holoscene” — Bon Iver
“Grenade” — Bruno Mars
“The Cave” — Mumford & Sons
“Firework” — Katy Perry

Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” is a virtuoso vocal performance despite Top-40 radio’s near-successful effort to make me never want to hear it again. Seriously, can’t we diversify the playlist once in a while? An unfair reviewer would penalize the track for this unfortunate fact, but I won’t hold Adele responsible. And, with a powerful voice like hers, it’s certain that Adele will be overplayed on the radio for years to come.

Album of the Year:

21 — Adele
Wasting Light — Foo Fighters
Born This Way — Lady Gaga
Doo-Wops & Hooligans — Bruno Mars
Loud — Rihanna

“Mother Monster” Lady Gaga and her second full-length release Born This Way simply set the standard for all other releases in 2011. At once fun, delightfully trashy and self-consciously artsy, Born This Way is also notable for its diversity. From gay-rights rump-shakers like the title-track “Born This Way,” to Spanish-tinged romps like “Americano,” or the Industrial send-up “Government Hooker,” Born This Way covers a lot of musical ground while still sounding undoubtedly “Gaga.” As an influence not only in music scenes, but also art, fashion and dance, Lady Gaga was born to win, baby.

Best Alternative Music Album:

Bon Iver — Bon Iver
Codes and Keys — Death Cab For Cutie
Torches — Foster The People
Circuital — My Morning Jacket
The King of Limbs — Radiohead

The safe pick here would be Bon Iver, who have been nominated in four categories. However, I have never heard of Bon Iver, and I don’t care to find out if they’re any good. And, even if I did, putting any poor band up against Radiohead is a lost battle. Radiohead’s latest release, The King of Limbs, continues their string of classic albums dating back to 1995’s The Bends. The King of Limbs is another thoughtful, broody masterpiece by one of the greatest bands of our time. Plus, the discography of Radiohead could possibly be humankind’s ultimate evolutionary achievement. Does this sound biased?

The Band Perry
Bon Iver
J. Cole
Nicki Minaj
Skrillex

Flying under the radar for “Best New Artist” is The Band Perry, a country group comprised of twenty-something siblings Kimberly, Reid and Neil Perry. Boasting an admirable songwriting prowess, including the wonderful display of song-craft in “If I Die Young,” The Band Perry’s self-titled album has already been certified Platinum. A strong runner-up for “Best New Artist” is hip hop fashionista Nicki Minaj, whose debut “Pink Friday” produced arguably the most impactful hip hop single of 2011, “Super Bass.” Unfortunately, the song also resulted in one of 2011’s most annoying phrases: “Excuse me, you’re a hell of a guy.”

Best Pop Solo Performance:

“Someone Like You” — Adele
“Yoü And I” — Lady Gaga
“Grenade” — Bruno Mars
“Firework” — Katy Perry
“F***in’ Perfect” — Pink

Now here’s a marquis match-up: Adele’s “Someone Like You” vs. Lady Gaga’s “Yoü and I.” Adele will probably be the popular pick here, bolstered by the display of soulful talent that “Someone Like You” showcases. If vocal prowess was the only criteria, Adele would probably win in a landslide. However, “performance” means much more than a skillful vocal display. Taking some “intangibles” into consideration, such as spirit and overall impact, puts Lady Gaga’s “Yoü and I” over the top. Channelling elements of pop, country and arena rock, there really is “something about ‘Yoü and I’.”

The artists nominated for best alternative music album are Bon Iver, Death Cab for Cutie, Foster the People, My Morning Jacket, and Radiohead. | Illustration by Alyssa Machette.

Mike Marciano can be reached at michealangelorumore@gmail.com