It’s Complicated: Facebook Relationship Statuses Need an Update

The other night, I decided to change my Facebook status from “single” to “in a relationship,” simply out of a curiosity to see how people would react.

I mustered some self-control and waited twelve hours before returning to my home page to see what I would get.

I had twenty-five notifications and three new messages in my inbox. Comments ranged from “Whattttt?!?” to “Aww <33” to “WHO IS THIS MAN YOU SPEAK OF AND WHY DON’T I KNOW ABOUT HIM? (p.s. Use a condom).”

Statuses that are not identical to one’s significant other can lead to disharmony. | Hannah Webster/ The Minaret

My acquaintances tended to comment on my wall or simply “like” the status change, but my closer friends refused to publicly show that they weren’t the first ones to know about my imaginary new man.

They instead resorted to texts, calls and even picture messages concerning the status change, demanding to know what was going on and asking, “Why the hell am I finding this out on Facebook?”

It was hard to ignore them, but I stuck it out until I finished my experiment.

They were hurt, not that I had met someone, but that they found out in the same instant as my other 773 internet friends.

There was nothing personal about it, no giddy phone call, no slumber party secret, no ice-cream outing to share the “big news.”

They didn’t even know I had been “seeing” someone, and to my friends back home, Florida suddenly seemed much further away from the town we grew up in together.

I asked one of my best friends from home, Timorei, what her first thoughts were when she saw the status.

“A few things ran through my mind: ‘Was it her new boy… No,  they’ve only been on one date. But maybe … It can’t be. Why didn’t she tell me herself? Is she mad? What did I do?’ And so on.”

My phone even buzzed with an incoming text from my ex-boyfriend, asking, “So who’s the lucky guy?” which was odd, considering he’d been removed from my friends list months ago … But thanks to Facebook’s limited profile, he could still regularly stalk my activities — and my fake boyfriends.

His polite inquiry didn’t hold up for very long, though.He couldn’t help but rant about his debauchery with sorority sluts and ex-girlfriends (sometimes two-for-one!) and everything else I couldn’t see on his Facebook, but that he wanted me to know anyway.

It reminded me of our own FBO (“Facebook official,” for anyone who has been living under a rock) conversation that occurred many months before: he tried to be cool about it, but I knew he swelled with pride just as much as I did when the word “single” disappeared from our profiles.

In many cases, the pressure to be FBO puts a strain on relationships.

I knew a girl whose relationship ended before it even began when she and her almost-boyfriend got into a fight over him leaving his status as “single” while hers read “in a relationship.”

Sophomore Dave Celluci doesn’t see relationship statuses with quite as much seriousness.

“You could say some people are serious about it, but it can also be playful, like when two best friends say they’re married,” he said.  “I also don’t think a relationship has to be on Facebook to be official,” he added.

As I watched my status gain further attention, I was tempted to up the ante even further by changing it to “it’s complicated,” which is usually reserved for those who have feelings for their friend-with-benefits or having extended periods of break-up sex. But I decided against it — one bomb was enough to drop for the night.

I couldn’t understand why people cared so much. Spectators deemed “friends” by Facebook watched my life from the outside in, all because of an accepted request.

Some I hadn’t spoken to in months left comments, and random kids who sat behind me in AP European History sophomore year approved of my relationship by hitting the “like” button.

But I did know that the interest circulating around my lie had nothing to do with me.

It was simply the next piece of news, the gossip for the day.

It would only take hours for something more interesting to pop up in the news feed and I would quickly be forgotten.

So I switched my status back to “single” after twenty-four hours and began to console some very annoyed and confused friends.

Most that responded to the change in the first place didn’t care or didn’t notice when it went back, probably too distracted by the next round of pictures from bikini-clad girls.

I promised the next time I changed it, it would be for real. Whatever “for real” even means.

Hannah Webster can be reached at hannahkarine31@gmail.com