Sour (on) Apple: Why the iPhone Does Not Make You Cool

The iPhone trumps all other phones, but it’s just the gadget which is cool, not the person. | Ninja M./ flickr.com

It really doesn’t.

I’m sure every elitist Mac user is whining right now, claiming the opposite. A few months ago, I was one such whiner. But now, like an attractive prophet, I’m here to open your eyes.

A few months ago, I threw away my dated Razr (hot pink, no joke) and bought an iPhone 4.

For the first month at least, I was preening like I did in high school when I stole Sally Higgin’s diary and showed everyone the part where it said I was cute.

I couldn’t stop myself from flashing my new phone, usually flexing at the same time, hoping that through operational conditioning everyone would think of my muscles whenever they saw Apple products.

“Why, yes, I do have the app for Glee Karaoke.” I was insatiable. I downloaded apps for every occasion; at parties we played Naughty Truth or Dare and people told me how awesome my phone was (and by association, I was too).

At a family reunion I used a bartender app to mix a complicated drink called “Jack and Coke.” My drunk uncle was impressed enough to verbally abuse my cousin, so I considered the day a success.

With the LoLCats app, I had girls cooing at my phone, exclaiming how cute it was, while I used the opportunity to flex. My phone was more popular than I was.

But let me break the news to you with as much compassion as a misanthropic clown: I didn’t invent the iPhone.

I know I know, you’re all gasping. I didn’t. And neither did you. All I did was buy the phone. Anybody can buy a phone. I purchased something that is available to everyone and then downloaded an app that makes me look like Indiana Jones in my Facebook pictures.

Awesome as it is, this app is also used by millions of people.

I’ll reiterate: I bought a phone. That doesn’t make me cool. I don’t even use it well. I end up playing Sudoku on it for hours at a time. I use it to check my email when I’m right next to my computer.

Now that everyone has had a chance for my wisdom to sink in, I’ll show you the path that took me to this enlightenment.

I was with a group of friends and someone took out their iPhone 3GS. I sneered and immediately held up my iPhone 4, informing the entire gathering that I was superior and should be worshipped, preferably by topless women.

At that moment another friend took out a 32GB iPhone 4. Mine is only 16 gigs. As we exchanged looks I saw victory in his eyes: he was better than me because he had bought a slightly more expensive phone.

That was when I had the earth-shattering realization that I’m sharing with you all right now.

Now I know some naysayers are trying to hold onto their fragile belief that their phone really does make them cool. A few of you are trying to claim that you make full use of your phone and don’t use it for the trivial purposes I do.

That’s entirely possible. Except that the iPhone is packed full of more useless things than a Swiss Army knife (you know, the bulky kind, where you have seven different kinds of can opener, a cork-screw and a spoon and toothpick that are actually the same thing).

My iPhone has a compass feature. While the deer hunter in me was overjoyed that if I ever was going to “rough it” I could bring my iPhone, the lazy part of me was incredulous. The compass is right under the Stocks app, which lets me check the stock market at my leisure.

Both these apps come with the phone, and I know all the Wall Street-campers out there are thrilled.

For everyone who doesn’t fit into that category, we have to admit the iPhone has some useless junk.

A very few people are still holding out that despite what I say, they are still cooler as a result of owning one.

You are wrong. Remember at the end of high school when people would quote songs in their yearbooks?

Using an excerpt from the song “Wonderwall” does not make you unique. They didn’t come up with the terrible chorus they’re quoting from.

Instead of writing something original, they chose to let someone else’s words summarize their year, showing how deep and mature they were.

You didn’t write the song, you didn’t design the iPhone. You quoted the song, you bought the phone. Congrats!

While the iPhone doesn’t make you (or me) cool, no one is saying you’re not cool.

You’re awesome all on your own. Your phone has nothing to do with it.

So don’t puff up with pride because you have an app that plays Family Guy clips; be proud of you and just accept that. Ultimately, you don’t need useless technology to make you an interesting person.

Although my phone is still better.

Richard Solomon can be reached at richard.solomon@spartans.ut.edu.