I have been vacillating and pondering which candidate I will support in the 2008 election of the president of the United States of America.’ It’s a tough call; the field is crowded. But a systematic process can reveal the answer.
First of all, we can eliminate a good 60 percent of the candidates because they’re dead in the water, unknown or libertarian.’ That means that Biden is out of the race ['I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy...' (actual quote)], as is Dodd (‘Who?’) and Kubby (‘I believe every voter has the right to burn babies for fuel’).
Then we can knock out all the people with policies that would make me willing to tear out my own appendix, as long as I could then use it as a weapon against them.’ These include Brownback (‘Jesus for President ’08!’), Hunter (‘Every fetus should be protected and get a limo’) and Gravel (‘Where is my catheter?’).
That leaves a short list.
Democrat-Obama, Hillary, Edwards, Kucinich
Republican-Giuliani, McCain, Romney.
I can drop Kucinich and Romney almost immediately, as well.’ Kucinich appears to have his head lodged in the clouds almost all the time, and I’ve only ever seen one press conference of his.’ He has no exposure and wouldn’t be taken seriously if his bid were to make it.’ Romney, in turn,’ is a fierce opponent of gay marriage but, more importantly, appears to have no personal ideals; his stances have shifted freakishly into moderation in accordance with opinion polls. A big help here was that Ann Coulter has endorsed Romney (at the same interview where she called Edwards a ‘faggot’), and what she likes is usually a pretty good shortcut to arriving at what I dislike.
Some further consideration of the field drops Obama and Edwards.’ Obama is a freshman senator and has no executive experience.’ It would be excellent to have a black president, but we cannot possibly elect someone without an executive track record into the office of the most chief executive in existence.’ Edwards similarly lacks experience; he was a one-term senator and a failed VP candidate, and I have no confidence in his charity work as a qualifier.’ Also, and this is purely a character assessment, it seems to me that Edwards lacks the sand to hold it together when it gets rough.
The field is pretty bare at this point, and I have parsed it down to where a selection can be made. Hillary, Giuliani, McCain.’ Yes, that’s correct: almost inconceivably, Republicans outnumber Democrats in my final bracket.
Hillary is smart and cutthroat, with a good eye for policy and a deceptively experienced past.’ She has the connections to bring her weight to bear and the money to hammer it down.’ She’s a damn good candidate. Unfortunately, she makes me uneasy.’ Her lack of scruples was evident even before she announced, and the tactics from her camp, aimed primarily at Obama, are just dirty enough to be effective and just distant enough from her to be disavowed. I don’t like it.
McCain ran an insanely savvy primary campaign in 2000 and was the first politician for whom I ever lobbied my friends and family to vote.’ He cuts through the crap.’ But in the end, I have to admit to myself that he is an astoundingly pro-war politician and has shifted his views to the right as of late, seemingly against his own beliefs, in order to appease the members of his party who view him as too liberal. I don’t like it.
And so we reach Giuliani. He has a fantastic reputation and a hard nose.’ He is most particularly notable for his past accomplishments as NYC mayor, which gave him an amazing name-recognition among the electorate. And while he is a very liberal Republican, his past has clinched much of the more conservative vote for his side.’ Additionally, he is pro-choice, pro-women’s rights, pro-gay marriage, pro-science and has an astounding grasp of politics.’ His understanding and brilliant maneuvers annihilated crime in the Big Apple thanks to his willingness to listen to sociological theory before it was ‘proven’; he was smart and bold enough to listen to his advisers and weigh the theory, and he went for it. That’s the kind of man I want in the White House.
That’s the kind of man I want for president.
So there it is: somehow, inexplicably, I will be voting Republican.’ And you should too.
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